never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
