My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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