im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
