watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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