I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
