my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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