One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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