mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
