I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
