I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
