Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
