I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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