I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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