dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
