I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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