Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
