there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
