so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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