Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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