I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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