Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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