He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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