im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
