They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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