I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
