im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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