1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
