At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
