Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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