Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
