Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
