PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
