Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
