I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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