i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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