is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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