Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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