sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
