hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
