Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
