My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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