and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it glows. i had to have it.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
