I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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