capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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