Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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