did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
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all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
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You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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