i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
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My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
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Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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