Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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