I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
