When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
