I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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