Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
