I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
