he shaved USA in his pubs
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
