I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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