Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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