how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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